redeeming love

so a couple of weeks ago i started reading “redeeming love” by francine rivers. i couldn’t put it down. i was captivated by this story of Michael’s obedience and sensitivity to the Lord’s prompting. my heart was broken at the insecurity, fear and sense of worthlessness of the woman he takes as his wife. i was dumbfounded at how many times the woman sabotaged her own happiness because of her distorted self-view. this story left my heart wandering for several days. just like when i read the stories of God’s provision to the Isrealites in the desert and asked “how could they not see God was taking care of them? how could they complain?” and then realized i do the same thing more often then not, i realized that i can oftentimes sabotage the blessings and life God has for me because i don’t feel worthy. the horribly messy truth is that i am not worthy. i am a wretched sinner, but i have been redeemed by a loving God. It was in the last week that I had my ipod on shuffle and the song beloved by tenth avenue north came on. this lined up so perfectly with the lessons i was learning from this book.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you’re afraid I might see
You’ve been running away from me

You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It’s a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I’am the giver of life
I’ll clothe you in whine
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you’ve been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won’t satisfy
Won’t you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you’ll taste new life

Cause you’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me

You’re my beloved
Forever we’ll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It’s a mystery
It’s a mystery

so good. if anything marriage has helped me learn more about the depth of the love of God. I can be having the worst day, be emotionally unstable, feel like I look horrible and Chris will come up out of no where and say something about how he is a lucky man to have a beautiful girl like me. I feel so unworthy of that. I need to learn to see myself the way that God (and my husband) see me. I have been redeemed by the amazing love of Christ. Yet still I fill myself up with other Gods… be it tv, music, food and even the internet. I allow myself to be satisfied with things of this world, rather than hunger after God. I “know” this truth, but sometimes my soul forgets it. How is that? I forget to remind myself. I’m so thankful for a God who is patient and forgiving.

What are some lessons God is teaching you right now?

change in perspective.

music has always meant a lot to me. certain songs hit me right in the heart. a lot of songs have made me cry. some make me laugh. i always tend to find myself identifying with one of the “characters” in the song. there are songs that become “anthems” of certain times in my life. some songs have no real meaning in and of themselves, but carry a memory. “my boo” by usher reminds me of my first boyfriend. “roses” by outkast and “yeah” by usher remind me of my junior prom. “save a horse ride a cowboy” reminds me of senior year military ball. “chasing cars” by snow patrol and “hey there delilah” by Plain white T’s remind me of when chris and I were dating. And of course all those girly fall in love songs…. I always was the girl searching for love. Rebecca St James “Wait for me” was a song I held on to for a long time.

Anyway, all of that to say this… Yesterday I was listening to some Taylor Swift. Her song “Fifteen” came on. Usually I find myself remembering my first day of 9th grade (and shaking my head as I remember the bright orange shirt and floor length jean skirt that I wore… and thought was cool. ugh) but this time those weren’t the first thoughts that came to my head. she sings “then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car and you’re feelin like flyin. your mama’s waiting up…..” suddenly i wasn’t the young girl searching for love, i was the mom waiting up for her baby girl. it was my first thought. my perspective changed. i started thinking about Payton’s first date. her crushes. how to deal with her heartbreak (or how to break the legs of the guy who breaks her heart). I know she’s not even walking yet, dating is a long way off…. But it was a big deal for me to realize the characters i identified with have changed. I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak and gained a lot of wisdom. I realize now that I can try my hardest to impart that to Payton, but sometimes you do just have to learn for yourself. Watching her learn those lessons isn’t easy. Sometimes you don’t know the stove is hot until you touch it yourself. Those lessons are the ones that mean the most.

Anyway, I know I’m rambling now. You should have seen me yesterday, I was a blubbering idiot. Some days I’m thankful I’m home alone so people don’t have to see me like that. ha. so, cheers to “growing up” and thinking more mommy like.

one thing i ask…

so many times we (and when I say “we” I mean “I”) enter into our prayer time with a laundry list of things we “need” from God… be it wisdom, healing, financial breakthrough, emotional breakthrough… we sit there and rattle them off sandwiched between our “dear Lord”s and “heavenly father”s. Now, there is nothing wrong with this until it becomes our only time of prayer. We “close the call” with a quick amen and are back on our way. Today I was reading through Psalm 27 and I realized that we are missing something… that I am missing something. I often have these times of revelation that humble me and make me forget I’ve been living this Christian life for a long time. I feel like such a young child, learning a lesson so simple, yet so beautiful. David puts it this way “One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.” (Psalm 27:4) What he asks is simple… just to be with God. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in life… in doing things for God… but not really spending time with him. Today my prayer is this : that I may dwell in the house of the Lord and gaze on his beauty.